Shadi (Hindi for Marriage)

Being engaged abroad has its perks. Wedding planning takes on fun, intense peaks -- rather than the low-grade constant planning that seems to happen in the States. But more than that, it enables a fascinating view into the culture you're living in -- and what engagement and marriage mean there.

For instance, a colleague asked me at lunch today if our wedding date had been decided. I said it will be next summer. His reply: "So negotiations are over?"

I felt quite bad, but I started laughing hysterically -- for he wasn't talking about negotiations with the various wedding vendors, but rather, negotiations between our parents!! I couldn't help but laugh when thinking about what our parents could actually negotiate about.

The initial reaction of most Indians when I say the wedding is next summer is shock. Over a year away?! As I've been tutored in the ways of traditional Indian matrimony, the first step, of course, is the parents meeting. This is where the horoscopes are discussed and negotiations happen.

The bride and groom-to-be traditionally first meet on their engagement day itself. An engagement can span anywhere between one week and three months (rarely longer). At the engagement, phone numbers are exchanged. Dating might happen during the engagement, or sometimes just a few phone calls before the ceremony.

As my colleague explained, "Sometimes the couple goes out before the marriage. But that happens mostly in Bombay."

When I jokingly ask single, male Indian friends when they're getting married, it always surprises me that there's a definitive answer. "This August" says one, or "next spring" says another. What's surprising isn't the level of planning, but rather, that they are not seeing anyone! The wedding date usually corresponds to the construction of their house being completed -- an important requisite before marriage. It is taken as a given that a suitable girl will be found once someone is ready to wed. Parents often carry their children's "bio-data", which is essentially a personal and family resume that's "swapped" with potential matches.

Of course, this is all changing and "love marriages" here are happening more and more. Following cues from the West, online dating sites have flourished here...Except here they're online marriage sites (www.shadi.com is the most popular; "Shadi" is the Hindi word for "marriage"). Another trend appears to be well-educated Indians working abroad, who come back home once they are ready for marriage. For as another friend noted, "Even though my cousin studied in the West, he would never marry an American. He's too scared of getting a divorce."